Share Your Story
Bulimia, Anorexia & Eating Disorder Stories
Your Anorexia and Bulimia Recovery Stories Can Uplift Others
Sharing your eating disorder stories is one of the most fulfilling things you can do on your journey of recovery. Often those of us with bulimia hide the truth of our binging and purging episodes. The guilt and shame of this keeps us disconnected from the world. Sharing your addiction recovery stories is a beautiful step to come out of hiding and uplift others.
Once my bulimia stories were out in the open, I felt free from the guilt of hiding the truth and so relieved to be a part of a community of others who had the same overeating disorder problems as me.
Not feeling alone and being able to share and inspire through your own experience is liberating and healing!
Sharing my story with my future husband and my loved ones was both frightening and liberating. The first person I told was my boyfriend (and future husband). His calm reaction assured me that I was ok and that the more I shared my story with people who loved me that I would be accepted just as I was.
I went on to share about my compulsive eating disorder to my closest and dearest friends. When they heard about my struggle with bulimia every last one of them had no idea what I was suffering with. They felt sadness for what I was going through and guilt for not recognizing my struggle to help me sooner.
As a bulimic, you are just as human as everyone else. Having bulimia doesn’t make you a bad person, only someone who needs support, strength, and the help it takes to fully recover.
As humans we learn from each other. By contributing to this process, by sharing my eating disorder stories I felt that I was giving others the permission to do the same. More and more, women are coming forward to say, yes, I am bulimic, and I want to share my stories with other bulimic people.
When a community comes together, it creates the power to heal.
I want you to come forward to share your story to not only heal yourself, you help others who suffer from bulimia or anorexia.
I want to hear from you!
I want to hear your eating disorder stories; your thoughts, your ideas, and anything else you want to contribute to others on their journey. Contact me by email, add your story below or submit your story to my eating disorder recovery website.
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My younger sister passed away from this disease three years ago. I never admitted to her that I shared her misery. I am currently coming to terms with my deceit and reaching out for help as I also recover from losing her at age 54. I just read a really interesting story about secretive eating called ‘In the Basement’ on page 49 in Stefanie Freele’s new book “Surrounded by Water.” Her stories expose people in struggles that are so human, yet we do not have to flinch or turn away. I came away from this story with compassion and understanding for myself; it gave me courage to face my realities around food. Check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Surrounded-Water-Stefanie-Freele/dp/1935708570/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337369564&sr=8-1
Hi Kende,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and this resource here. I am proud of you for stepping out and sharing your story here and for coming to terms with your eating disorder. You’re a brave woman and I send you my prayers as you walk your recovery journey.
Be happy,
Polly
Hi,
I am 36 yrs old struggling and living my life around bulimia for the past 23 years. Today I visited my GP and informed him of my illness and requested help. I will now be put on a waiting list to see a counsellor, which I hope will not be too long, sure what’s another month or 3 on top of 20 + yrs!!! I did find it a bit strange that I was not asked any questions about or was not given any type of physical examination, not even heart rate or blood pressure! Anyway just wanted to share this while still feeling brave!! Good luck and well done to all here.
HI Toni,
Great to hear from you!
You are very brave and I commend you for taking a big step by asking for support. I see you’ve signed up for my workshop later this month and I can’t wait to meet and share more with you.
I applaud you and hope you’ll stay connected with me and this community during your recovery journey, ok? Sharing your story will relieve your stress and will be uplifting to others, so please keep in touch.
Much love and light to you,
Polly
Thank you Polly, it was something I had been really thinking about the past few days and then thought was there any point after 20 yrs. I found your story last night and off I went today. So thank you, for inspiring me, giving me hope and creating this site. I hope to stay in touch here. It’s scary, exciting, liberating and a bit overwhelming all rolled into one!!
Until the workshop…..
Yes, until the workshop!
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. (from the movie Finding Nemo).
Kudos and here’s to beautiful YOU coming out more and more each day.
Hugs,
Polly
Its been really hard and I know I’m new at all of this. Tonight my friend made me go out to dinner with her and eat the entire vegetarian option. I begged her NO and not to force food on me, to let me adjust when I was ready. Then when I went to the bathroom to get rid of the disgusting pile she made me consume it had been too long and I couldn’t get rid of it. Also people kept walking in asking if I was okay which was so embarassing. Now I have endless mounds just burrying themselves into my body making me so fat I hate it, I’m so upset, how do I stop these negative feelings, I just don’t want it in me since I never would have put it there in the first place.
Hi Ashley,
I can sympathize with how upset you are given what you’ve described. Sounds like you weren’t able to set healthy boundaries with your friends and gave up some of your power over to them. I can give you some ideas about how to stop these negative feelings, but first I’d like to invite you to look at regaining your self confidence so that the next time someone tries to get you to do something you don’t want to do you can stand up for yourself. Here are two posts you might read to help you with self esteem and self confidence:
http://www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com/eating-disorder-5-ideas-builing-self-confidence/
http://www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com/eating-disorder-recovery-build-self-esteem-self-wealth/
http://www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com/bulimia-ideas-build-confidence/
Now, how to get out of those negative feelings. Here’s one of my earlier posts about positive self talk:
http://www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com/bulimia-help-positive-talk/
I hope some of these will be helpful to you. The one thing that I want to point out to you is that you’re upset by people, feel badly and then turn to food to feel relief. You don’t have an urge to binge, you have an urge to feel relief. It’s better than going unconscious when an upsetting feeling arises to stay present, feel what you’re feeling and try to think better thoughts in that moment that help you feel relief. Believe me – this takes practice! Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t just “get it” and never give in and have a binge. You have to want this for yourself, practice it consciously and keep at it.
Please let me know if this helps!
Polly
Hi!
It’s such a long story to tell… This is the first time I have ever “told” anyone or explained my story.
I am a 17 year old girl. I have no one else to tell and so I think you guys can help me. Everything started less than a year ago, I can’t remember exactly when. I also can’t remember when the binging a purging actually started… I do know that I lost about 5 kg doing a healthy diet, and then I started to have strong cravings… Then I started to binge on anything I could get my hands on (ice cream, doughnuts, chocolate cereal, cookies, cakes, pastries….) and purging. I ended up losing more weight, and know weigh 47 kilograms (62 before). A couple of months ago I was able to stop for about 2 months (after many attempts) until it started again. I really want to stop, but I have been trying to stop for about 2 months and can only go about 5 days without binging and purging. I try to eat balanced diet and eat about 1,900 calories a day and exercise 5 times a week (I go to the gim). I also like having a special treat on Friday (if I don’t binge and purge) and usually have a “free meal” in Saturday or Sunday. I also have carbs of some type twice a day, something with healthy fat and chicken and veggies…I thought my diet was healthy (except the occasional binging and purging) but I also haven’t been getting my period, so i don’t know whats wrong. I am always controling what I eat and I am thinking about food 24/7, I am so tierd of thinking about food ALL THE TIME. I also can’t tell anyone because my mom would defiantly get a panic attack and I just can’t ask for help. I am so scared because I know how bad it is for me but I keep saying: one last time… I just can’t stop. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP and give me advice. I really want to stop this cycle, I hate it. I hate stealing food from supermarkets to binge and hate lieing to the people I love. Can you please help me get better?
Hi!
It’s such a long story to tell…
I am a 17 year old girl. I have no one else to tell and so I think you guys can help me. Everything started less than a year ago, I can’t remember exactly when. I also can’t remember when the binging a purging actually started… I do know that I lost about 5 kg doing a healthy diet, and then I started to have strong cravings… Then I started to binge on anything I could get my hands on (ice cream, doughnuts, chocolate cereal, cookies, cakes, pastries….) and purging. I ended up losing more weight, and know weigh 47 kilograms (62 before). A couple of months ago I was able to stop for about 2 months (after many attempts) until it started again. I really want to stop, but I have been trying to stop for about 2 months and can only go about 5 days without binging and purging. I try to eat balanced diet and eat about 1,900 calories a day and exercise 5 times a week (I go to the gim). I also like having a special treat on Friday (if I don’t binge and purge) and usually have a “free meal” in Saturday or Sunday. I also have carbs of some type twice a day, something with healthy fat and chicken and veggies…I thought my diet was healthy (except the occasional binging and purging) but I also haven’t been getting my period, so i don’t know whats wrong. I am always controling what I eat and I am thinking about food 24/7, I am so tierd of thinking about food ALL THE TIME. I also can’t tell anyone because my mom would defiantly get a panic attack and I just can’t ask for help. I am so scared because I know how bad it is for me but I keep saying: one last time… I just can’t stop. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP and give me advice. I really want to stop this cycle, I hate it. I hate stealing food from supermarkets to binge and hate lieing to the people I love. Can you please help me get better? I need to find ways to stop
Hi Sandy,
I can feel for where you are and hear the intense desire you have to be well. That passion and desire at a young age will serve you. I just let my ED run wild for years and didn’t really seek out help the way you are for a loooong time.
I am going to add you to my email subscriber list (you can stop receiving it at any time) because I think the 10 steps to beating bulimia that I send as part of my new email subscriber messages will help you get started. That way we can start communicating more 1:1 in case you have follow up questions.
Please know that I have full faith in your ability to beat bulimia because I’ve seen so many women in your situation come back and go on to live healthy, happy lives without bulimia running their lives. We’re here to help you and I hope if anyone would like to offer you some advice, they’ll also jump in here.
Talk to you soon,
Polly
Hi Polly! Thank you so much for posting up this website and by the looks of it replying to almost every comment I’ve seen. It’s nice to know that our stories aren’t just going to an unmonitored/ignored e-mail account
especially when we find ourselves in need of some feedback.
I’m 27 now and, the funny part about my story (I think) is that I’m relatively an incredibly confident, well-spoken, (also see: pompous
), semi-accomplished, fit and very spiritually inclined happy happy person. But, I am bulimic. So, I’ve got some issues I need to deal with, if I could only pin them down and find out how to deal with them.
I became bulimic my first year of college when I was 19, and my roommate and I sort of decided to try it together. You know, like you’d try learning Farsi or Pilates or joining a book club (sarcasm!). Oddly it was a really casually set-up yet serious decision to try it. It wasn’t long-lasting (that I know of) for my roommate, and for me it sort of filtered out of my routine as did studying and attending Geology 101. I’ve been bulimic off and on throughout the years, but it’s been constant enough for me to know I have an issue I want to get over.
I can pinpoint a million and thirty five things this all stemmed from; From being mad at my parents for pulling me out of college because I wasn’t getting perfect grades, to dating a guy who I let convince me it was a good idea to get a big tattoo…twice…and to try drugs and drinking (this is another story for another blog, but I continued doing cocaine seriously for about a year, spent thousands in student loan money, got even more tattoos, became even more unhappy and didn’t understand what was going on. Poor lost little girl
). Or even further back to my childhood where my single mother–who did as best as she could like any mother–in a twist of popular belief of image problems, didn’t put an emphasis on my looks as in “You don’t look good enough.” She actually did the opposite and stressed that looks don’t matter, are taboo to discuss, and any attempt at “girl talk” was met with criticism and judgment ala “I don’t care about what you look like I care that you get good grades and succeed and save money and make me proud.” Now, it doesn’t sound too terrible, but when you are a 6, 7 or 8 year old girl who just wants some feminine lovey mommy-loves-you-sweety talk, it was hurtful. I wanted to be a silly girly girl, and I had no outlet for it, I didn’t know HOW to be a girly girl, I had no tutorials or outlets besides MTV and Seventeen Magazine. I mean I couldn’t even paint my nails without getting flack. When I got to high school of course this changed a little and my mom let me wear make-up as I liked, but still, no outlet for being a woman and criticism for acting like a “weak” little girl. I love my mom, too, I would do anything for her, so I’m not mad at her (or am I??), because I know this must have been just a huge misunderstanding, and really all she did was love me and want the best for me. I recognize now, clearly, my mother and I have very different styles of showing love and affection and thus probably require love and affection in different ways too. We didn’t know that then.
Whew! are you still reading? This is longer than I expected. Basically, what I’ve gathered from months of serious soul-searching is that I never felt good enough just how I was. If I wanted to impress my mom or get her attention, I would have to do it through grades or some sort of intellectual performance, which I just wasn’t capable of at the time. I think she mistakenly treated me like an adult and got mad at me when I didn’t think like one. So I was never fulfilled in the attention-getting department because I got too much negative feedback. I felt like my entire youth, and still today to an extent, I was walking on thin ice with her. But, again, she was a single mother, probably totally stressed out and was dealing with her own personal issues of being hurt by divorce and maybe feeling abandoned and on her own. She learned to be tough, and for me it was too tough. And I guess I’m mad about it.
I could go forever. I wont, don’t worry. The thing is, I made a lot of “mistakes” when I was in my younger 20s, all in a totally mis-guided effort to feel good about myself. I made some decisions that were, errr…well lets just say I had fun. And I did! And in my youth I dealt with the overwhelming need to feel loved and girly, and I never felt good enough. But, another twist! I am SO happy! really. I moved across the world to teach English, I’m going to study in Geneva in the summer, and this is all happening because I finally got in touch with myself and realized that I was responsible for my own happiness and no one else. And you know what? Since I discovered the beauty within…life has just sort of fallen into place, in a really beautiful, fulfilling and exciting way.
BUT! as you can see, I’m still growing. Because I’m still bulimic. But I have a pretty good sense of humor, so I’m not mad at myself for it. I just know I’ve got some business to deal with inside *pointing at my head and heart* and I’m doing business on my own terms. As should everyone.
Anyway, you’ve probably excused yourself from my post by now
but in the event you are still reading and haven’t found the “delete” button yet, I just want you and anyone else to know that bulimia is a Journey with a capital J. By this I mean its a big deal, on so many levels. It is hard to deal with, no duh, but the first step in doing so is to give yourself a big hug (do it) and say out loud, “Yep, you’ve got issues. Welcome to the club. It’s called “Everyone” and we meet at the bar.”
The worst worst worst thing I think possible for someone struggling with themselves is to say, “Just stop!” because:
1. It’s reallllllly hard and self-defeating if you don’t actually stop.
2. Big changes in your life don’t always happen immediately for a reason: you need this growing experience because its good for you. Growing takes time. Go ask an apple tree.
3. You are bulimic for either very apparent reasons or reasons you don’t understand…yet. If you can’t pinpoint at least 3 factors into your situation right off the top of your head, its because you have some serious digging to do.
4. Digging takes time. Ask the NYC underground. Or a badger.
Ok, that’s it. Thanks for letting me take advantage of this comment box. Even if you don’t read this or no one does, it feels good to give my fingers–and the girl inside me digging–some exercise.
Love and light, Rebecca.
Hi Rebecca!
Great to hear from you and I’m so inspired by your open and authentic way of being. It’s refreshing!
I can relate to a lot of what you shared and hope others who read this can, too. I hope you signed up for my newsletter?
For some reason when I read your story it made me think of the post I shared about “Let Your Cork Float”
http://www.inspiring-bulimia-recovery.com/how-to-stop-being-bulimic-let-your-cork-float/
Seems like a strange title for a post, but if you read it I hope you’ll get the underlying message that we really are the ones who keep ourselves in the struggle with our ED. It took me waaay too long to finally get that, so please get it sooner than I did, ok?
I’m stoked that you stopped by and hope to hear from you again.
Blessings to you,
Polly
I’m 14 years old and I have a twin who is thinner then me. She is a few pounds lighter then me and maybe 2 inches thinner in waist. I get really jealous but people say we look the same (in figure) but i dont see it.
That’s when i started vomiting out my food if i ate something fattening. Once i became bulimic i had to tell someone. Once i told my sister she made fun of me and didnt understand me, i told my friend and she made fun of me too. I told my other friend and she completely understands me, i am glad she does but im embarrassed. How can i stop myself from eating a lot of food?
Hi Georgie,
I appreciate you sharing so openly about what you’re struggling with right now. I can tell you it sounds like the journey you’ve embarked on (or will soon) is one to love yourself “just as you are”. I don’t have a twin sister, so I can’t exactly relate to what it must feel like for you to compare yourself to her, but I do relate to comparing myself to other women. Any woman actually – she doesn’t necessarily need to be a model, in a magazine or famous. For years I’d compare my body part to this woman’s body part or that woman’s body. It’s an endless marathon that has no finish line.
My best guidance here is to look deeply inside of yourself to possibly understand WHY you’re wanting to compare yourself to someone else. I suspect there’s a deep feeling of “I’m not enough” going on (it’s very, very common to feel this way). The feeling of I’m not enough-ness leads us to look externally for measures of our worth.
There is so much I could write here, but I would really like to encourage you to talk to your parents or a counselor at school. You’re young enough that if you get good support now and can fill yourself up from the inside, you have an excellent possibility of stopping this hurtful behavior before it becomes a bad habit (i.e. eating disorder). Please get help now – keep asking people to help you. If your sister or friend don’t understand, they’re not the people who can help you. KEEP ASKING people for help until you find the one who can help you. They’re out there.
Please stay in touch and if you’d like to message me privately, please send me an email here.
I was looking for sites in hopes to help others who have been bulimic just like myself. I was bulimic for 7 years. From age 17 to 24. I am 26 now. It was a tough and lonely experience. I saw counselors, told my mom and my aunt. After convincing everyone I was ok I was on my own and free too keep the secret to myself. I never had any energy, I drank a lot instead of eating, and when I did I threw it up. It was horrible, and always on my mind. What made me recover? I got pregnant. Now, I’m not telling girls out there to get knocked up, but to think. I was still bulimic in the beginning of my pregnancy, deciding whether or not I could handle a child. But after I decided to keep, I started to eat… Normally. It was hard. VERY hard. After my daughter was born, I couldn’t bare the thought of not seeing her grow up. To see her walk, crawl, her first day of school, her first boyfriend, dance, marraige…etc. I wanted to be there for all of that. With bulimia… It does kill. And not only that, I wanted to set a good example for my daughter. I didn’t want her to go through what I went through. I made it my mission to see her grow up a strong beautiful woman and let her KNOW that she was beautiful…. Inside and out. I just want women and men out there who suffer with this disorder know that there are bigger greater things out there. And whether you know it or now someone does, or will look up to you at some point. Lead them in the right direction. I still struggle with eating every now and then, but I think of those beautiful brown eyes of my daughter and I move on.
Sarah,
You’re very courageous to take your life into your hands and commit to your wellness. I commend you for taking a stand for yourself and for your daughter. Congratulations on starting the next chapter of your life. Please stop by any time and share with us as you continue to grow and learn about yourself and your journey.
To your joy,
Polly
I am relatively new to Polly’s Inspiring Bulimia Recovery site. It also the relatively short time since I took the first step towards a new non-bulimic life.
Amongst many sites I found myself somewhat in tune with Polly’s. Her inspiring messages struck me. They helped me transform in a positive way, not only into a bulimia free life but also into a meaningful life after suffering from eating disorders for over two decades+. The last twelve months were hell. Virtually no food was left in my body and my weight dropped to nearly 30kg or 66 pounds… There was always a big barrier to my recovery before although I did not know what it was. I took a good hard look at myself and thought.
I have stopped feeling bad myself, punishing myself for being a failure and escaping from using food to escape reality. I have the strength, power and skill to digest whatever comes my way in life. I now see the future would be like: a bulimia-free life and will be able to claim to be totally on my first recovery anniversary.
Foods give my body for positive energy and I am really appreciating them now. Recently two of business-related friends told me at I looked really good. I could not even express the sense of joy I had.
Wow Cat – what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for stopping by, for sharing yourself, for being so brave and bold to make a change..because YOU SAID YOU COULD DO IT. I am inspired by you and you’ve given many, many women who will read this hope that they can change their life, too. Even after 20 years. It’s not only possible, it’s being done.
I give you a huge hug from across the pond and send you blessings, light and love.
Please come back and share more of your story with us.
To your joy and well being,
Polly
I’ve had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. my first exposure was in the 4the grade. I battled anorexia until I was 13… and that when it all spiraled out of my control. I became bulimic. finally at the age of 15 I got up the nerve to seek help, I broke down crying to my parents and they were really supportive. but I only lasted 4 months. I’m 17 now, and my parents think I have been free from bulimia for the past two years. I just can’t stop even when I think that I can. I feel like I am . straying my parents. why am I constantly letting the scale measure my worth?
Hi Melanie,
I have felt the way you feel and the sense of “I can’t control my thoughts” type of situation you feel like you’re in. I want you to remember a few things that I know you know. First, there is no perfect road to recovery; nearly everyone has a slip or two or 20 years before they find their way. Go easy about it and be kind to yourself. Secondly, you are choosing to let the scale measure your worth because you are choosing it. It may not seem like you have a choice, but I suspect it’s become a habit and you’ve just not chosen to find some other way to measure your worth. I didn’t understand this when I had my ED, but I know it know…I believe we all come in worthy of everything. We are 100% deserving of happiness, of joy, of love, of a great life. If you measure your life between what you want for yourself (not vs other people’s expectations but your own) and you gauge how you’re doing based upon how you feel about how you’re playing the game of life and allow your feelings to point you towards (rather than away from) what you want for yourself, you’ll start to slowly shift your point of attraction towards one of self-love and worthiness. Be gentle with yourself. Be easy about it when you take a step in a new direction. Be disciplined in thought and focus and allow your life to shift around you instead of trying to beat yourself up for not getting it right. I suspect, if you’re like I was, you pick up the self-hatred stick a lot and use it to not feel good about yourself. Asking a question of why can’t I do this is coming from a place of you’re a bad/wrong/not worthy. You are worthy…you’re just learning. Keep at it and lighten up with yourself and people around you. I would like to hear that you’ve told your parents what’s happened because the shame you’re garnering by not telling them will start to build walls around you and push you away from the love they have to give you. They only have love for you, so let it and them in.
Please be in touch if I can help further.
With love and light,
Polly
Hi…I came across your blog and it really resonated with me…. I wanted to reach out because I am a singer/songwriter and have a new song and music video I would like to share.. called “Fading Away”. I wrote this song because I have a couple of friends who have battled with depression and eating disorders. I was trying to convey my personal agony in dealing with this…and also the helplessness felt by friends and family when they watch their loved one fade away.
It was recently nominated for “Video of The Year” by Limelight Magazine (see info below) If there is any chance you could use this for your page or blog…that would be amazing. I want to help spread the word and hopefully encourage others to get help early on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx1tPIEXNAA
* if you like the video and my music please go to http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/limelightmagazinereaderspoll (Nominated for Video of The Year & Country Artist of The Year”)
….voting ends January 25th @ 11:45PM
I hope my video helps people to understand the depth and severity of eating disorders and the toll it can take on a family.
One morning I woke up with high hopes, which wasn’t unlike most other days.
Today was a new day, another day of restricting and losing the terrible weight I had gained from my uncontrollable eating and throwing up.
I turned to my wardrobe…and my day, that was just looking so bright , plummeted almost immediately into a black abyss.
Dressing in my old clothes was a struggle….Trying to find something to fit or look how it use too was time consuming and a very very depressing process..I was at my biggest with the disorder.
What I had planned to eat for the day gradually decrease to nothing as I searched for something to wear.
By the time I arrived at work in the morning I had made myself feel so down that I grabbed chocolate bars, donuts, chocolate milk, Maccas and whatever else i could fit in my handbag on the way to work.
I arrived at my desk and totally gorged myself… Then went back for seconds in anything I could get my hands on, before making my way to the toilets for the next 45mins in a desperate attempt to undo the damage.
I spent my working day eating, throwing up, farting and thinking of what to eat next, barely at my desk.
I vowed to spend an hour on the cross trainer that night and not eat anything for the rest of the day. But as I’m sure you all know, it is nearly impossible to stop a binge in the middle of the day so…
2-3 massive binges later and a whole day of being completely unproductive at work….it was time to go to gym, feeling unbelievably uncomfortable and bloated.
I spent an hour on the cross trainer, not exerting myself mind you, because I could barely move. It just depressed me further to discover how unfit I was and how much strength I had lost from this new habit.
I would take a break, throw up some more and then hop back on for another 20.
My fitness and technique depressed me so much I stopped off at the bakery on the walk to my car, pigged out while driving home and threw it up into whatever i had handy..my lunch box, drink bottle, food wrappers, whatever.
This had to be hidden till I could find a moment alone from my partner to either dispose of it or wash it.
Once i arrived home I jumped straight into the shower, making sure i locked the bathroom door so my partner couldn’t come in and see me naked. I was so ashamed.
And yes, he had no idea. Which made the disorder that much more devastating and shameful. He definitely knew something was up, he knew me too well to not know that. But i guess he just thought I got a little depressed from time to time, but i hid it frighteningly well. He attempted to tlk to me about it a few times and tried to help me in every way. But it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
After my shower I put on some ridiculously baggy clothes and tried to throw up watever i could before 100% went to my arse. I took laxatives and guzzled some water and a diuretic to get rid of some of the fluid retention that would be obvious to everyone the next day.
I’d tell my partner I wasn’t hungry and go to bed early “without dinner”, barely able to breathe, heart beating erratically and burning up a temperature that could probably almost fry my brain.
This behaviour could continue for up to 2 weeks sometimes!! 14 days straight!! I’m surprised I’m still alive after this kind of behaviour. my record was probably a straight month, give or take!
I’m even more surprised my partner didn’t leave me.
I was moody, secretive, I would push him away and barely saw him during these terrible times.
Always sitting in a different room or just being “too busy” to spend time with him.
I think the longest I went without having sex with my partner was 4 weeks.
I couldn’t handle being in the same room as myself so I definitely wasn’t prepared to let him sleep with the disgusting person I thought I was.
I felt confused and completely out of my mind!!
It’s the most disturbing feeling not having trust and peace within yourself.
There is a crazy stampede negative thoughts running around ur head screaming at you all day.
I mostly just read or slept, trying to sleep it all away, but sleeps is hard to achieve when you have had nothing but sugar all day. So sometime I just pretended.
How did it come to this?
I used to be very fit, took my health and fitness very seriously, even thought about entering body comps. Had a killer 6 pack and tones legs I had worked really hard for.
Ate organic and clean and never dreamed of putting processed foods into my body.
It all changed when the calorie counting became obsessive around the same time of my life, personal and work, started to fall apart.
I started restricting and over exercising, on the verge of anorexia but it wasn’t long till the binging started.
Innocently enough too, a few chocolate almonds maybe. But that was a massive deal for me back then and I would beat myself up about it for days after!!
It never occurred to me to throw it up back then, still trying to hang on to my religious health regime . I knew what that would do to my body and i didn’t think this behaviour would continue, so as much as i beat myself up for eating junk it hadnt reached that point of desperation….yet. Regardless, I didnt have a gag reflex and hated throwing up. ( Proves the point, where theres a will theres a way) I had tried it once after my gf told me she did after a big binge one day but it didn’t work it just hurt my throat and gave me a blood nose…so I decided it wasn’t for me.
But Then a few almonds turned to a packet…
Then a packet a couple of times a day….
Then it got even more extreme…I would stop off at McDonald’s on the way home and order a meal and ice cream. Unheard of in my book! That’s when real desperation stepped in. I would stand in the toilet freaking out, knowing full well I couldn’t make myself puke because it just didn’t work.
So eventually I figured out that if I stuffed myself completely full and drunk alot of milk it was easy to bring it up without having to stick my fingers down my throat.
This obviously made matters worse because now, in my mind, there was a way I could eat “as much as I wanted” without the consequences. So one meal at Maccas progressed to 2, then a stop at the servo after to get chocolate and other junk and if I’m completely honest… sometimes a second stop at Maccas.
I would grab a bucket and put it under my bed and just vomit into it all night.
Sometimes I stayed up all night just eating and vomiting.
I tried a few methods, NLP, TLT and hypnosis.
They helped a little. It helped me come to alot of different realisations, issues that altered me though I thought I had long forgotten.
Everything we go through whether we remember them or not, shape who we are today.
Our conscious can be that of a gold fish but our subconscious remembers EVERYTHING.
So it can be a long journey for those who have a lot of baggage. But whatever bad behaviour or habits we create prove that we can create whatever environment, attitude and habit we truly want.
So what is stopping you?
Are you doing what you want in your life?
What do u enjoy?
No one asks you these questions.
We need to be our own best friends!!
We need to be selfish this time in our lives.
Because bulimics are never selfish people.
Only with our food do we “indulge” and even then we punish ourselves, this is our only outlet.
The reason I lent toward bulimia was partly out of boredom and hatred for my job.
Nothing to look forward to in the day ahead, so I obsessed over that morning donut and chocolate Eclair because there was no other highlights to my day.
Pick something to look forward to each day and focus on that one new thing.
Hope this helps.
Recovering
I feel out of control. I started throwing up when I was about 16, my friend taught me how. I watched her get thin and wanted in…image is a big part of my life, i wish it wasn’t though. I lost about 10 lbs and was finally a size 2-4. I got tons of compliments but i hated throwing up. I started taking laxatives to get the “rest” of it out of my body. I then would go through periods of restricting food. Like I had to lie about eating, people at my school started noticing and gossiping about it. This was a small private school I went to since 6th grade. I left my junior year, everything seemed to be so out of my control…i was depressed, hurt, and alone. I started using drugs to stay skinny and numb. I got out of it a year later and started working out and eating healthy. Then it snuck up on me, I started throwing up about once a week, then after big meals, then every night. I wasn’t even skinny but it made me feel like i was preventing getting fatter. My then boyfriend of 4 years had NO IDEA. I threw up at restaurants, gas stations, his house, bars…really anywhere I could do it in private. Then I started throwing up at work. I would have a small cup of hot chocolate and do throw it up. I tried to tell my boyfriend once, I threw up out anniversary dinner at his house and I came out of the bathroom bawling…I was so desperate for help but I just couldn’t do it. I transferred from a community college to a big school so I moved and started over somewhere else. I gained and lost the same 20 lbs in 3 years…I was eating roommates food during binges and blaming it on others, and everyone believed me. I’m a great liar. Since graduation my ED has been OUT OF CONTROL. I lost 30 lbs in one month by only eating 2 apples and 3 oz of chicken a day…im in pain and scared of where this is taking me. I want to be skinny like victoria secret skinny…today I finally ate…my grandfather wanted to go to golden corral of all places after church….you cant even imagine the anxiety i had in there…after eating all i could do was think about how quickly i could get home to my toilet so i could puke…right now my tongue is torn up from my nails and rubbing against my teeth…
sorry hit submit before finishing….
well basically i guess i just wanted to tell my story for some reason…maybe so i could try and make sense of it…i mean i have all the warning signs…i was raped when i was 16 (before throwing up), my relationship with my father was strained, i from a big family (was i looking for attention?), and i used to be picked on for being 15 lbs heavier than my peers, oh ya and my boyfriend..actually last 2 boyfriends were extremely controlling and used to hit me…wow…im a wreck.. basically im single right now and i NEVER want to date again…well anyway…as stated before, i think i just needed someone to talk to or just some encouragement…does it get better? will i ever have a normal relationship with food?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey,
I can feel all the passion coming through in your message. I just want you to know that you’re in a tough spot. You’ve slipped and allowed yourself to fall into a dark routine…one that is not supporting you. And you know that. You’re a smart girl. A very smart girl. But smart doesn’t always give us the coping and the life survival skills we need to be fulfilled, happy or even peaceful with the crap that is going on every day around us.
I have a TON I would love to share with you, but the best medicine I could possible prescribe is to sooth yourself with a whole lot of positive things – positive books, positive music, positive people, positive videos. You’re in a negative rut because you’ve been thinking a lot of bad things lately and that’s pulling you down deeper and deeper.
I would love for you to watch every video in my video library and then keep on watching more Abraham videos after that.
http://www.getbusythriving.com/videos/
These videos I believe come from a higher place of consciousness than the every day world and they have the power to not only help you get out of your rut, but start to look on the bright side of things.
Oh, and you may not want to hear this, but I hope it will be taken with the kind of love that I mean it with….
Be careful the questions you ask – yourself and the Universe. If you’re asking “what is wrong with me?” a lot, you’re only going to get answers that help you rationalize your current situation. Ask better questions, get better answers.
How about….
What can I do to feel better now?
What’s the next best thing I can do for myself to turn my life around?
Is there anything I could do that would make me feel good about myself?
What do I want?
What’s most important to me?
How can I show myself appreciation today?
Who can I help who’s having a worse day than me or whose life is harder than mine (be a contribution)?
If you start asking empowering questions, I think you’ll find empowering answers coming to you.
“Man becomes what he thinks about”
So, think about what you want your life to start being/looking like and turn away from the bad. It will begin to fade into the background and you’ll start to feel better.
Watch those videos!
And let me know how you’re doing, ok?
To your well being,
Polly
I’ve just commented on another post on this blog but I have just started to tell my story here – http://goodbyetomia.blogspot.co.uk/
I’m doing this for many of the reasons you’ve stated. I’m having a really difficult time starting my journey because of the shame, disgust and embarrassment that Bulimia leaves me with. I’m unable to admit ‘what I do’ to anyone – so I’m starting here, on my blog, in the hope that baby steps will get me to where I need to be to fully commit.
Hello Polly and everyone else, I’m a 17 year old girl (it’s hard to believe I’m already a junior in high school)and I have quite a story (well, at least I think so). It all started my last year of elementary school when I was just 12 years old- I know, I was so young to start down such a treacherous road. Anyways, it started slow- I would stop eating lunch at school, next it was breakfast, and soon I ate as small I could at dinner…Looking back I remember that it wasn’t just about being skinny (I was already lean before-hand), but more of a contol issue. Before I knew it, it was August (summer after fifth grade) when my weight (only 70 pounds, a full 25 off of what I was before)brought on my mom’s attention, and when she dragged me to the doctor’s, I was diagnosed with anorexia and official OCD. I was put on Prozac and monitored closely until my weight was brought back up- it was the hardest thing you could imagine. By 7th grade of middle school, I was happy and healthy (still on the meds). However, my weight relapsed again the summer after 8th grade year, and I was brought back up to a healthy weight. I am now 17, 5’5″, 127 lbs, and an athlete- everthing looks fine right? Well, not exactly. About 3 months ago I started making myself throw up after certain meals. I’m not really losing weight (my weight has been fluctuating between 126-133), because I’ll eat meals here and their or have 2fruits/2veggies a day. But for the past couple weeks I’ll eat as much as I can in one sitting (usually dinnertime) and will throw it back up. I didn’t see anything wrong with this (especially since I’m not drastically losing weight), but I have noticed some intimidating signs (teeth slightly more sensitive, throat burned once- like acid reflux). I’m not really sure what I’m asking of you, all I know is that it feels good to get my story out. Only 3 of my closest friends (plus family) know of my anorexia, but no one is aware of my binging/purging. If you have any words of wisdom, feel free to share