Bulimia Stories of Recovery

Bulimia StoriesI want you to know that I was in the grip of the eating disorder bulimia nervosa for 20 long years. And that I have been fully recovered since 2005.

Does this give you hope, inspiration, comfort? Does it make you feel just a little bit more optimistic about your situation?

I really hope so.

When we hear that others have been through what we ourselves have gone through and that they have emerged successfully from their ordeal, they can become our role model and a real live inspiration to overcome our problems.

Text book theory is all very well but when someone shares their own story about how they did something that is what we can work with.  That’s why I developed my eBook with a collection of bulimia stories. To provide insights into recovery only gained by being there.

When my process of recovery started I, too, was able to find solace and encouragement from the stories of women courageous enough to share, help and offer advice. They made me feel less alone and really made me believe that I could do it.

Free Bulimia Recovery Stories Book

Click to Download Now

It can help to know that recovery isn’t all smooth going; that there are ups and downs, progress and setbacks as well. Knowing that others have had a similarly uneven sort of progress, and knowing how they have overcome those disappointments can help you persevere on the road to recovery.

So Many Stories

So many have probably been worse off than you; others have probably had it easier. The point is not whose journey is easy or difficult, but what you can learn from each journey. There is pain in every story, there is suffering; each probably started out seeming hopeless and then progressed to the point where success was within grasp!

 

So Much to Share

While some stories may be very different from yours, there may be others just like what you’re going through! I hope my bulimia recovery stories book will continue to offer the sort of hope and inspiration that you can use in your own recovery.  I wish these were around many years ago.

Positive suggestions about what works and what really doesn’t are important I think.  The ways to get rid of the negativity, how to reinforce your faith in yourself; you can find all this and more in my ebook. When you hear that other women (like me!) have been able to sustain recovery for 8 years, you know that it is possible.  Please keep hold of that inner light of faith and hope.  It will serve and sustain you on your journey.

Who knows?  Someday you may be sharing your own success story of having overcome your eating disorder and then your story will help other women on the road a few steps behind you.

It is so inspiring just knowing that you’re here…amongst friends who understand you.

25 Comments

  1. Im not even sure I should be writing to you. I am 25 yr old British female and I make myself sick after eating to much food, or after meals. Its been about 4 years now. I am overweight ( size 16 clothes) and I can honestly say I HATE my body and my face and everything. It makes me very depressed the way I look. I stopped being ill for a month and I look worse then ever. I feel better purging then feeling like im not doing anything about my weight. I have health problems (lung shadow which is currently being tested) and I now get acid reflux and stomach problems. I dont know what todo. I am not going to my doctor as he does not help me. I cant stand the way I look. Im rambling on now sorry. It feels abit of a relief to have written this even though I wont hear from anyone regarding it, Nobody knows I am still being ill. Im sorry to have written a long story and sounded like such a saddo.

    • Hey Karla,

      I can feel from here the pain you’re in and how that mind of yours is beating you up and making you feel worse than you already do. I can relate…really. We all have that monkey mind that tries to run the show and unfortunately does a pretty good job of messing up our lives if we’re not on top of it – and conscious – more often than not.

      I’m actually happy you wrote because something you said sparked a sense of hope inside me that you’re on your road to recovery…even though you don’t feel like you are.

      How I know is..

      1) you showed up here today and you shared (powerfully, too, I might add!) and that takes huge courage. When you’re not wanting help you don’t show signs of courage – you’re laced in fear and you hide out.
      2) you said that you felt some relief from sharing. I am tickled because there is an emotional scale and when we’re moving towards a state of joy and love we feel relief along the way. We might get sidetracked in anger or frustration, but if we’re moving up the scale we feel better. So huge kudos to you for taking action and feeling relief. Even if it was mild and didn’t feel like joy or bliss. That’s ok!

      I don’t want to ramble on here about how the emotional scale works, but I believe in it and if you can learn about it and how it helps us each day I think you’d get the hang of riding those waves of emotions you’re feeling – or avoiding and stuffing down with food. Likely story if you’re here. And that’s ok. It takes some re-programming to get out of the binge/purge cycle, but with practice, commitment and perseverance you can do it.

      Here’s a link to page about the emotional scale and Abraham Hicks videos that I think you’ll enjoy.
      http://liz-green.com/2011/11/abraham-hicks-the-emotional-guidance-scale-process/

      Come back and let me know how it goes, ok? I appreciate updates – good bad or otherwise. Keep feeling the relief…whatever that looks like even if it’s boredom next. That’s ok. Better than powerlessness.

      Be well and keep marching one step at a time.

      Polly

    • youre certainly not a saddo! I struggle…I know exactly how you feel. Sending positive vibes to you, Karla~

  2. I am 40 years old and I have been suffering from anorexia for the last 3 years. My lowest weight was 6st and I am 5ft 6ins. My life is total hell and every day is a major struggle with food. I am now up to just under 11st and I hate my body. I really ust want to crawl into a hole and die:(

    • Hi Audrie,

      I can feel the pain coming through your words. I have no idea what you’re facing in life that is making you seek out food to avoid it, but if I can help at all, please use my contact form to email me privately and I’ll do whatever I can to help you or find someone to help you.

      You’re very brave for sharing your pain and I acknowledge you for coming out and saying something. I know that took a lot just to admit to yourself and others. That’s a great first step and so your recovery can now begin.

      I look forward to hearing from you.

      With love and light,

      Polly

  3. I know this is very long but I didn’t want to leave anything out. At the age of 12 I developed an eating disorder called Bulimia Nervosa. Today I am 17 years old; I will soon be 18 this July, and I still struggle. Most of the time I feel like I’m arguing with myself rather than with my mom or a doctor. Sometimes I see what I do to myself; other times I feel like I’m bettering myself. No one would ever suspect that I have been battling with bulimia, unless I told them.

    I do not blame my father for what became of me, although sometimes I do point the finger in his direction. Due to unfortunate events in my childhood, when i was 11, my other siblings and i moved in with my grandparents. My grandpa loves to cook. Every night we ate til we couldn’t eat anymore. The weekends when my parents would visit us my dad would always talk about how fat I was getting, of course my grandma would defend me, but that never stopped him from saying it.

    After a year of being with my grandparents, we moved back in with mom and dad. Every morning on the way to school we would stop at the gas station and get a snack, my brother would get zebra cakes and I would get powdered donuts. That soon stopped because he didn’t want me to get fat like my grandma. Of course it hurt my feelings, but hearing something over and over again; you believe it. I won’t lie, I was a little chunky. I began purging by not eating both breakfast and lunch during school. I hardly ate anything for dinner telling my mom I had was still full from the lunch I had at school. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat any dinner. On the weekends I would lie and say I already my myself something. I lost all my chunkiness, and was the 98 pound 12 year old I wanted to be. Getting older I grew, making me weigh more. I didn’t think of my hips growing as going through puberty. I looked at it as I was getting fat. One day, out of anger I ate as much as I wanted and more, I went into the restroom and threw it all up. I felt relief and better from it. The feeling I got made me want to it more. I went from doing it a couple times a week to every night. It felt like I was being cleansed. I did this all the way into sophomore year, when my mother started catching me in the bathroom. She got on to me and told me to stop. I told her I would, knowing I wouldn’t.

    I developed problems where I would pass out a lot and have black outs. After that I stopped for a while. Being a female we watch our weight. I started my senior year weighing 125 pounds. The most I’ve ever weighed. I understand that’s a normal weight for a 17 year old, however it’s not normal for me. I picked up my binging and purging more than ever. Getting me down to 115, but I ended up with some results I didn’t like. My hair was falling out more than usual. I completely stopped brushing it and straightening it hoping to make it healthier. Recently I have dyed my hair darker so it doesn’t look as thin and cut it.

    My parents think I’m ok. Occasionally my mom ask me if I still do what I’ve done. I’ve lost friends in the past because they don’t agree with me. To me, I feel better afterwords. Sometimes I look at myself knowing I’m lying to people and knowing what I’ve done wrong. Other times I ignore it and I continue to do what I’ve always done.

    I’ve taught myself tricks to keep me from falling into my old ways. When I have cravings or the feeling of eating just because, I eat almonds or crackers. They give me the satisfaction of being full with out having to go and throw up or over eat. When I want to purge and go with out I still try to get something small with a few calories in me, so I’m not completely starving myself. I never want to be in the situation that I was before. I have really good days, sometimes I have bad days. I’ve learned to keep my head up, no matter what I’m telling myself. I tell myself I’m strong and I can do it. I can do this.

    I have not over came the monster inside telling to me I’m too fat. I went from the understanding of I’m bettering myself, to that i could cause damage. I believe I’m ok, I don’t confide in anyone because I know they would tell me different. I’m still self cautious but I know I’m at a better state than before. Sometimes I fall back into my old ways but I handle things.

    • Hi Allie,

      I want you to thank you for sharing your story. It is a very honest account of what you’ve been through. It sounds like my bulimia story in many ways, so I can totally relate. I was able to recover eventually…when I was ready. It will happen for you when you’re ready, too. I hope you don’t hold yourself apart from the love and connection of people, life, your SELF, for very much longer. The joy and peace you’ll have inside once you don’t have to hide behind a bunch of lies is so freeing I can’t even express how you’ll feel. Being in recovery tastes way better than being thin ever did.

      I wish you much love and light and welcome you to contact me if you’d ever like to talk.

      Be well,

      Polly

  4. Hi,

    I am a 31 year old female that started bingeing and purging when I was about 26/27. I can’t say that something traumatic happened or anything stressful occurred that could have attributed to this. I just became very aware of weight etc… I was a confident person, I had great social life and took care of myself, I kickboxed and I am an avid gym goer. I always had a bit appetite but that is the way it has always been. But I was always a healthy weight, still am really.

    I found that the B&P became more regular but then I could go weeks without an episode, kidding myself that I had stopped. Then I would get cravings for crap junk food and B&P after I ate it all. It’s such an easy cycle to become victim to, it’s scary.

    No one knows I have bulimia, and as all my friends and family regard me has a very healthy, fit person, they would never guess. But I have contact a local Cognitive Behavioual Therapist, my first appointment is next week. I feel so much better for addressing it and seeking help. But obviously feeling some trepidation as to whether it will work. Polly, have you had experience with CBT? Is it helpful?

    Anyway, there’s days i feel like crap as I am so disappointed in myself for B&P, and the days where I’m feeling good, I avoid doing it. But there’s days that i feel good and still do it. It’s such a confusing cycle as i can’t peg it on any real reason as to why i do it, just basic greediness as I want to eat what I want without putting weight on. It really is vanity I think…I’m so consumed with the thought of looking fat, it’s pathetic. but fingers crossed, I will learn to battle the beast and be healthy again.

    • Hi Derry,

      Wow, great story. Thank you so much for sharing yourself openly here.

      I am glad to hear you’re taking action now to meet with a therapist. I do not have much experience with CBT, but it is my impression that it’s the #1 treatment therapists use and have success with. So, if I were in your shoes I think that would be a great start.

      If I may add to that…be easy about the process. I don’t know a lot about you, but I did hear a lot of my story in what you shared. The fitness fascination/feeling strong/looking good. It’s a part of our culture and our identity, if we let it be. I’ve worked for years to accept and love myself. I don’t do it 100% every day, but I do embrace that I’m me and this is what my body’s going to look like and love it just the way it is. (somewhat like all areas of our life really)

      One of the first things I share with my clients is to go easy about it. Take your time and be easy in each day as you learn new ways of being in the world. You’ve spent a few years learning how to be this way (probably goes back much longer and is just becoming unmanageable and manifesting symptoms of bulimia) and it will equally take a few years (or a really impactful event) to shift your consciousness in a new direction. Never give up on you. That’s what’s most important. You will have setbacks, you will have upsets, you will freak out when you slip…we allllll do. Perfectly part of the process. Just don’t beat yourself up when you do. Treat yourself and the process with ease and you will feel better in the moment and the new you who is wanting to emerge will have the space to come through and BE.

      Thank you again for sharing, Denny. I hope you’ll come back and let us know how you’re doing.

      Be well,

      Polly

  5. hi
    I`m 15 and I`m struggeling with an eating disorder for 5 years now.
    With 10 I purged for the first time. Since 13 I vomite every single day.
    I was overweight when I started doing this and now at a normal weight I can`t stop.
    I have strict parents and I always tried to be the best I could, this pressure and 4 years bulling developed my eating disorder. I never was extremly thin, so my parents never noticed that someting was wrong and I wish that they know about my ED. I hope I ccan recover some time.

    • Hi Lora,

      All of you is welcome here.

      I’m am pleased to see you signed off with hope in your heart.

      Hope is one step away from BELIEVING.

      BELIEVING is one step from KNOWING you can recover.

      You are going in the direction of recovery. Soon you will have it.

      If there’s anything I can do for you, please send me an email.

      Wishing you well,

      Polly

  6. I have never…ever told anyone that I have this awful, horrible disease. I am sitting here crying as i type this because this is even a big step for me. I lost 50 pounds by dieting and working my ass off in the gym. But, besides that… I have been “this way” for over 2 years now. I dont know why or what triggers it. I am to my breaking point and i need any help i can get. I know you must get thousands of posts, but i am begging for any scrap of advice to make me happy. I tell myself every morning i wont throw up, and i pray for the day i complete without throwing up. But, every day i fail….

    • Ahhh…deep breath. Let it out….

      I’m touched that you opened up. That is a huge first step and just one of many more you will soon take. It sounds like you’ve hit your wall or bottom. I must admit I’m actually freakin’ excited for you. By hitting bottom that’s where a lot of us actually start to say “enough is enough….I’ve had it!” And that’s when life begins to shift. Our days go from gloom and darkness to hope and inspiration.

      Your body is signaling to you that you deserve more than you’re living. Your mind and deep within you….your spirit is ready to be heard. For you to connect with something greater than you that you’ve been ignoring and quieting for a long time. Well, now that you’ve given up on this way you’ve been living your life it’s time to embrace something new. A new chapter called Well Being.

      My best advice for starting out once you’ve hit bottom can best be summarized on my website under Getting Started. Here’s the link:
      http://www.getbusythriving.com/self-help-resources/bulimia-help-for-recovery-getting-started/

      I’m grateful you took a moment to share here and not for me, but for you. By sharing of yourself you also allowed me and others to see your vulnerability and know that it’s ok for us to be vulnerable – and not perfect- too. We love and hold you in our hearts.

      Please come back and let us know how you’re doing…or email me privately so we can keep in touch.

      Ok?!

      To your well being,

      Polly

  7. I just happened to stumble upon this page and I’d like to say thank you, Polly. You are a wonderful person and I wish there were more like you. I’ve been struggling for 3 years, I’m almost 21. Each day is a new struggle, sometimes it ends well and sometimes it doesn’t buy I know that I do try everyday. I’m currently having a bit of a relapse, triggered by recent stressors I think. The hardest part is not being able to tell anyone. I actually told my “bestfriend” a couple months ago, but she doesn’t understand. Instead of encouragement she says things like “See a professional.” Or or “Good luck with your dentures in 10 years” and that makes it so much worse.
    With that being said, thanks again. <3

    • Hey Sarah!

      Thank you for your note. It’s nice to hear from you and I appreciate your feedback. So much!

      When I read your note about your friend’s comments the first thing I thought of was that old saying “with friends like that who needs enemies?!” I don’t know your friend, but knowing that most of us while we’re in the thick of bulimia we don’t tell anyone. I told my Mom and she tried to help, but was battling alcoholism and her own food issues, so it wasn’t exactly a great time for either of us. I didn’t tell another soul for more than 10 years.

      I’m really glad you decided to say HELLO today and to open up a little. That’s important. Opening yourself up means you’re willing to let other in. Bulimia is like putting up a “closed for business” sign on your forehead and not letting anyone in. Please keep your doors (your ears, heart and mind) open for business. Let the love that’s all around you flow in.

      I send you lots of love and hope we’ll be hearing from from you soon, ok?!

      All is well,

      Polly

  8. Thank you! It is definitely hard to open up. I’m sorry to hear about your mother and the 10 years you went through alone. You’re a strong woman!

    It’s been over two days since “doing the deed” and I’m feeling good!
    Any advice for staying off the scale?

    Sarah

    • Hi Sarah,

      Thanks for your note! I chuckled a little when I read your question. At first I thought you were asking me how to stay off the scale in your bathroom. And then I thought “well, what if she means another scale?” You know, I would love for you to toss your bathroom scale out the freakin’ window and to replace it with the emotional scale.

      I think it would be totally awesome if you wanted to put a copy of an emotional scale on your wall where your bathroom scale used to be and each day when you would normally weigh yourself against the gravity scale and instead weigh yourself against your own emotional scale. So, let’s say tomorrow morning you wake up, head to your bathroom, you stand in front of the emotional scale and check in with yourself and feel for where you are on your emotional scale. After a quick check in you realize where you are on your emotional scale. If you could let that be your guide and tell you if you’re feeling as well as you’d like to be, then great! If you’re not feeling gratitude, love or peace you could ask yourself “what could I think or do to feel better?”

      That, my dear, is my advice about what to do with your scale! I say, don’t stay off it – shoot! I would be on that emotional scale all day long. I’d check in with it every hour and ask myself “am I feeling as good as I could and if not what could I think/do to feel better?” Let that be your scale and you’ll have more joyous moments in each day.

      Thank you for your question and much love to you,

      Polly

  9. Hi polly,
    Your website is amazing and I think you are so inspirational.
    I am nearly 19 and starting university in a few weeks. I have had anorexia binge/purge type for 4 years and I am currently maintaining a lower but healthy bmi, but I am finding it increasingly harder not to binge, which I am very ashamed of. I haven’t been honest in treatment, but I am so tired of this now. I want to feel ok when I eat and accept my body. I am a us size 2- 4 which I know is not overweight but all I see is fat. I feel like my ed has been part of me for so long how do I be without it.
    Sophie.

    • Hi Sophie,

      Thank you for writing – it’s great to hear from you!

      First, I commend you for being in therapy, so that tells me you really want a change to come about in your life. You’re not just sort of wishing and hoping things would change. While I don’t know the complete story, it sounds like you shared something just now that is partially responsible for you continuing to binge…you’re not being completely honest. You said you’re not being completely honest in your program – I suspect you’re also not being complete honest with…your…self.

      I’d look at what areas of your life you’re not being honest with yourself. What are you afraid of? What consequences would you experience (positive/negative) would result if you were honest? If you were 100% responsible for your life, your outcomes, your actions…what would that mean? Who would you then become? Does who you would become scare you a little bit? It’s ok if it does – we’re most often scared by our light, our brilliance than our weakness, our lack and limitations. I do this and think we all do it. And that’s ok….just notice it and do something different.

      I hope this is helpful and if you want more of the “how to’s”, I hope you’ve visited my Getting Started section on my recovery website.

      Was this helpful?

      Wishing you the best,

      Polly

  10. Hello, I stumbled on this website, because I am up at 2:30am in Japan. My husband is deployed and I am alone with my 1year old. I am 30 years old. In the past 5-6 months I have completely cold turkey stopped my long struggle with Bulimia. I struggled with it for 15+ years. At one point in my 20′s I realized what it could do and almost didn’t care. As I had grown up very hard and was essentially alone. The. I myself joined the military, became a vet and met my husband. Who gave me our beautiful son. Well I have been proud of myself for stopping. Especially cold turkey and still being “afraid” of my body. I was always athletic, but when I kept off those few extra pounds I was always complimented and treated differently. So I thought that’s what I needed to do to make life easier. I was so wrong and am sorry for it now. Now I suddenly have acid reflux pretty badly. I’m on a strong dose of PPI medications and am scheduled for an upper endoscopy. I am terrified to see the damage I have done to myself. I’m terrified to hear I won’t heal and I may die from this. All of the research I have done and the doctor I saw made it seem very grim. I’m afraid I will leave my son before I can see him grow and before I can spend a life with my axing husband. No one knows I was bulimic. He has his idea, but he won’t push me to spill knowing I have this scope coming up and I may be sick. He knows I may snap or lose it. I also don’t want to burden him while he’s deployed. I feel so guilty and so selfish. I’m also so afraid of the news I will get. Do you have any lasting effects? Is it unheard of to fully recover as far as physically and mentally with this disease? Especially suffering with it for as long as I have? I know you had it so much longer and you and this site is the first time I have ever admitted I was and am a recovering bulimic. It’s embarrassing and it makes me feel weak and selfish. I’m sorry this was so long. I just have never told anyone and have no one to tell. Thank you for your site and inspiration to not give up.

  11. Hi, I read your blog and I thought it was inspiring, I have been struggling with eating disorders for more than half of my life, and sometimes I feel like giving up, cause I know it is worth but it seems like I would never make it. Maybe you will understand how I feel…
    You have already recovered right? do you think it is possible to recover 100%?
    kisses,

    • Hi Sophie,

      I not only believe it is possible to recover 100% because I have, but I’ve read and met hundreds of women who have recovered, too.

      The simplest way I can say it is this…

      …bulimia is a choice

      It may not feel like it sometimes. It may feel like you’re out of control. You may have even read articles that try to scare you into believing that certain genes or family history will predispose you to having an eating disorder.

      I want you to know you do have a choice – and with support – the choice can be easier to make day to day. The way I describe the choice is like I did in this post.

      Truly, your natural state of being is one of well being. One of happiness and love and appreciation. We need to unlearn the negative things we pick up along our way that keep our cork under water – keep us in the eating disorder. I have hope for you. I have faith that you will recover. Now it’s up to you to convince yourself and to take action to walk the path of recovery.

      You. Can. Do. It.

      Much love,

      Polly

  12. Hi Polly,

    I don’t really know how to begin with this… I am 24 years old and I have had bulimia for almost 10 years now. I am finally at a satge (after 6 months of therapy) where I no longer blame my abussive dad, the fact that I was bullied for gaining weight and the sexual abuse I wen through when I was a teen for my illness, although sometimes I still feel very hurting.

    I have been struggling with keeping myself on track of structured eating, stabalizing my body and healing it. I wanted to write to you to get a straight perspective from someone who has been through what I have.

    I too, was diagnosed with grave`s disease (at that time Grave’s and bulimia seemed to be the perfect package to maintain the fact that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a single pound) I was thin (even though I still though I was fat) and getting compliments for the first time in my life, from everyone. After that, the nightmare began, my bulimia got worse than ever, bingeing and purging 5 to 8 time a day ( awful, I know!) and my grave`s was treated with radioactive iodine, which completely shrunk and killed my thyroid, sending me into hipothyroidism, for life! (and weigh gain! OMG!!)

    After that, my bulimia continued, and I was able to get back to my weight from before, after I got medication (which I have to take for life now). A year after I got a severe case of Grave’s Eyes Disease, which I am still dealing with now. In the attempts to cure my GED I was given steroids for about 4 months. This point exactly is when my life changed. Doctor’s don’t tell you (or at least mine dind’t) the AWFULL sideaffects of corticoids. Not only does it give you Cushing syndrome, which literally makes you look like the hunchback of notre damme but it affects your psyche and you start to hallucinate, I seriously though I was going to commit suicide.

    After having stopped with that awfull medication, I decided I wanted to recover forever from this awfull illness which just got worse with the corticoids. I gained 8kg in 4 moths and I am currently carrying that weight. I hate myself, I hate my body, I feel fat and ugly, some days I just wish I could die.

    I have lessen my b/p cycles to probably one a week and currently have been 21 days bp free, however I am so scared of gaining more weight do to my entire history. I have no thyroid anymore and EVERYONE sais that when you are hipothyroid you gain tons of weight and are never able to loose it ….. plus the weight I am carrying from the corticoids, plus the weight I have put on since I stopped purging (which is weird becasue my binges have almost completely dissapeared)… I have been eating only what my nutritionist has told me too and I have been excersising 5 times a week for an hour, and haven’t lost a saingle pound :( —-

    I am so sorry for making this so long but, please help me Polly, please give some sort of hope. Did you gain weigh after having Iodine and recovering from Bulimia? Will this extra weight ever come off me, or am I going to have accept the fact that I am freaking overweight now (which, honestly, I don’t think I could ever accepth that) I have so much anxiety and sadness while writing this… I’ll stop now, and sorry for the very long story.

    Hope you can help me.

    Thank for helping other sufferers. We are still drowned in the thoughts and feelings of this horrific disease.

    • Hi Daniela,

      Wow, that was amazing reading your story!

      It’s like we’ve had a very similar path. I did not have the eye troubles you’ve had with the Graves. I do have rather bulging eyes, partly genetic, partly from the Graves.

      I had the EXACT SAME FEARS and thoughts as you were having about hypothyroidism. Having been on medication for over 20 years I can tell you I did not gain weight. I never took steriods and I have heard of some bad side effects. I hope you find someone who thinks about your whole body, entire mind/body/spirit when offering you advice about which medications to help you heal. I’ve learned over the years that the doctors I’ve encountered in our traditional medical system (in US) are not informed about wellness…they’re trained in fighting sickness. That’s not the doctor I want to be helping me maintain well being. Sure, if I have a weak moment and allow an illness to take over my body and it could be harmful to my long-term situation, I may seek a doctor who has a prescription pad. But not very often. I think alternative medicine first – that’s just me.

      As for the weight – I weight the same amount as I did 20 years ago. I am also on the same medication I was on 20 years ago. I look at it like an air conditioning system. When your room gets too hot, the A/C kicks in and cools things down. When it gets too cold in your room, the heater turns on and warms the room back up. That’s kind of how it is when you learn to maintain and listen to your body.

      Does my body weight fluctuate week to week, day to day? You bet! Do I freak out when it’s 3 lbs more than it was last week…no. Do I naturally adjust what I take in because I’ve set my internal thermostat to a certain weight, or temperature. It self-regulates now. Hard to explain exactly what’s going on behind the scenes without taking up like 10 pages to describe it to you. Just know that I “identify” or “I see myself at” this particular weight. We always maintain ourselves consistent with who we see ourselves as. It’s subconscious programming. When I was bulimic, I had programmed my subconscious to give me situations, thoughts, people and everything else that perpetuated my identity – a bulimic. After I decided I was not bulimic, my subconscious went to work to make that true and real. Now it’s like riding a bike you’ve been riding for 20 years – I don’t have to think about how to pedal. I just get on it and ride.

      Daniela, my friend, know that the only way out is through. You have to go through this period to get to a much more empowered Daniela on the other side. You’ve introduced this into your experience to teach you many lessons, to grow your inner confidence and courage. You will come out the other side a different woman. That I know. It happened to me. It is happening to you now. Trust the process. Breathe. Be easy about it. Be kind to yourself.

      Try freaking out just a little less often and trusting your life ALWAYS works out a little more often. And you know what, that’s the way your life will be. Some day soon you will be able to say “wow, my life really does work out for me and that’s pretty cool!” I saw that now all the time. I didn’t believe it when I was 24, but I do now at 42.

      You’re doing great.

      Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

      Love you sister,

      Polly

  13. Hi all,

    I wanted to comment on here because it seems like a safe place.

    I’ve only recently started speaking out aloud with my family about my bulimia. Only in passing though its never been an issue that’s been addressed. I tend to always mention it in past tense. I know I need to see my GP but I only occasionally go into a bad cycle so I try to fix it by eating healthily but it’s never too long till I freak out and go into that almost trance like 20 mins where you have everything bad and also healthy possible and we all know where that leads. My profession is classical singing and in the last year I’ve noticed a bit of acid reflux and slightly weakened tooth enamel. It’s my health rather than my weight that worries me. I’m overall very healthy and a healthy weight but did put on a good 15 lbs a couple of years ago… in my head i feel like once i get rid of that weight I’ll be fine but it’s like punching a brick wall trying to lose the pounds as I eat really healthily for a while then hit this horrible cycle again. I’m keeping a diary now.. I find it helps a little to admit to myself what I do and think. Any other suggestions? I really hate going to the gp and would love to tackle this by myself.

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